Baby wise or baby woe? Mar 11
Okay. Here it goes.
I'm really not sure why BabyWise is so very controversial. I mean, it's just one of a million ideas out there that may or may not work for your baby. It's worked well for mine although I would not say I'm 100% a BabyWise follower. BabyWise has come up so many times in the past few weeks with people I talk to, facebook, etc. I decided I will share my thoughts on it.
What I like about it...
- I like that it really builds upon being parent-directed. You are the parent. Your child is not. In a nutshell, you decide when it is time to feed the baby, you decide when nap time begins and ends, you decide, you decide, you decide. For the toddler, you decide what is for snack, you decide what she will do during independent play time, you decide, you decide, you decide.
- I like that it beckons the parent to think before you respond, namely the why behind the what.
- I like that it beckons the parent against legalism as a parent. Consider the context. Just because you usually do not get your child out of her bed before 7 a.m. in the morning does not mean when you have guests spending the night and your child is letting you know that she is up at 6:20, you refuse to get her because the clock does not say 7:00 yet. This area of BabyWise is very good for me to follow because I tend to be very black and white and I don't leave a lot of room for versatility. BabyWise really does encourage flexibility, contrary to popular belief. Same thinking should apply for feeding the baby...for goodness sakes, sometimes that sweet one is hungry before that magic number of 3 hours has passed~your milk supply may have been low earlier, a growth spurt may be happening, you may be out and she is screaming and you know that what would calm her down is to eat, etc. etc. For the toddler...you usually don't give the child a snack close to lunch (hah! but that's so not me...I didn't really do well with the whole eating thing with Savannah....trying to do better with Aubrey) but the entire play group is eating goldfish right before lunch time. Just let her do it too.
- I like it because it gives you a routine (Feed time, Wake time, Sleep time, feed, wake, sleep...i.e. don't put the baby to sleep by feeding him/her so he can learn to go to sleep on his own) and I thrive on routine. If I don't have routine, I just can not get things accomplished. For the toddler, it continues into a routine with your morning, your eating times, your nap times, the afternoon...all the way to bedtime. When I get into a routine, I then can determine the why behind the what. Why would I let Savannah sit and watch T.V. for half an hour? Well, there can actually be purpose behind it beside the fact of me just needing a break.
- I like it because it goes beyond just being BabyWise...the foundations of the authors' philosophy can apply to your toddler, your child, your teenager.
- I like it because it encourages the baby to sleep 12-13 hours very early on...furthermore, it teaches your growing up baby first time obedience, independence, learning to function as a family member, etc. etc. NOTE: It does not make your child perfect...or should I say: it has not made our children perfect by any means...just come hang out with us for a couple of hours! The goal of parenting, in my opinion, is not to be able to get your child to do what you want him/her to do (although that is nice). While I believe there are many ways to teach your children how to sleep, how to eat properly, how to obey, how to play by himself, etc. the absolute of Christian parenting is to point your child to Christ for the reknown of His glory. One must ask yourself: In our family, how can we bring Christ glory to the very fullest? And for us, our family needs a lot of order and routine...perhaps that is why this particular parenting philosophy works well. Not to say that if you are more of a fly by the seat of your pants person it would not work...again, there are just so many ways to take it.
What I don't like about it...
- The rules it gives for certain things. The book emphasizes what is best for baby but at the same time one must remember that each baby is different. For example, Savannah, once she got naps "down", would just about jump into her bed (still does) for her morning and afternoon naps. A good two hours for each, at least and usually I had to go wake her up. While Aubrey loves afternoon nap, she has never been keen on her morning nap. I worked on it and worked on it and worked on in that when she would start crying usually about 45 minutes-1 hour into her nap (BabyWise says a good nap should last at least 1 1/2 hours) and for months, I would just let her cry. It has not been until recently that I've let nap time just last 1 hour or a bit less in the morning and then she usually sleeps 2-3 hours in the afternoon. And, how happy is she after just 45 minutes to 1 hour of morning nap? Very, very happy! That would have never flown with Savannah. So, although BW (BabyWise...I'm sick of typing it out) says that a good nap is a certain amount of time, I disagree...and that is just one of many ways I differ on their rules.
- For us, sometimes the routine thing and keeping nap time and bed time when it should be got really overwhelming to me. If we have a third child, I want to be more flexible about that...again, I think it is all how you think as a parent. While I absolutely adore nap time and early bed time when we are at home, it was tough when they were so young and seemed only to thrive in their own bed at those times and not sleeping in their car seats, strollers, etc. In retrospect, that time period does not last so long though.
- Crying it out. That's hard to do...Aubrey never really had to cry it out at night. Night time sleep just came whereas she did cry it out for naps. Savannah had to cry it out for both things to start happening. I was literally sweating in bed when that happened...it hurt my heart so. Thankfully, didn't happen for too many nights and getting sleep was absolutely wonderful for me, for Aaron, and for Savannah!
Last thoughts...
Really quickly, here are our BW stories. We did not implement any of BW with Savannah until she was about 3 1/2 months old. At that point, she was waking up about 2 times a night and naps were just not happening consistently. Within about 2 weeks, naps were in place and she was sleeping 12 hours straight a night. With Aubrey we started it at 2 weeks. The funny thing about it is, it was about 3 1/2 months for her (just 2 weeks before S) that we saw good naps taking place and 12-13 hours a night of sleep. That just proves I can be much more flexible if there is a next time around. (FYI: I never woke my babies up to eat during the night. Oh my! If they were sleeping, for goodness sake, sleep on, baby! Just another way I broke those rules.)
All this is my perspective on BW...someone else may implement it and "do" it totally different. I would say I started BW for sleep issues with Savannah but have surprisingly loved many of the aspects of it in raising our children beyond getting them to sleep. I will say though that I have implemented a lot more of the actual baby parts of BW with Aubrey...like the strategies of mealtimes, play time, etc. Once I got Savannah sleeping so well, I kinda just stopped with BW because I was so excited. As she got a bit older, I picked up the books that followed BW as I was seeing a need for them.
ALL that to say, I do not think that BW is the only way...not at all! I will say this though: BW begins with pretty strict ways to establish eating and sleeping patterns with your baby...it continues, I suppose, with pretty strict ways to establish the foundations for, ultimately, moral issues with your child. While the Bible does not say anything that I am aware of on the how to's of eating and sleeping patterns with your newborn, it does mandate children to honor his mother and father. I do believe BW (or ultimately the books that follow) follows the Truth presented in Scripture...for eventually a Christian parent must become "strict" (as the world sees it) in parenting or rather must follow the Truth of the Word.
Alright. Phew. That was long...if you are still reading, thanks. And, happy parenting.
Add your comment
24 Comments
Thanks, Laurin- up and down on what to do with Norah right now, so I really appreciate the feedback!
Interesting you brought this up - though I have never read Babywise (so I could not give an opinion either way), I did recently read this blurb from the American Academy of Pediatrics. I was surprised to read this considering I know so many who have used the book. What do you think about this? I guess some parents can take it too far.
"One such book, On Becoming Babywise, has raised concern among pediatricians because it outlines an infant feeding program that has been associated with failure to thrive (FTT), poor milk supply failure, and involuntary early weaning. A Forsyth Medical Hospital Review Committee, in Winston-Salem N.C., has listed 11 areas in which the program is inadequately supported by conventional medical practice. The Child Abuse Prevention Council of Orange County, Calif., stated its concern after physicians called them with reports of dehydration, slow growth and development, and FTT associated with the program. And on Feb. 8, AAP District IV passed a resolution asking the Academy to investigate "Babywise," determine the extent of its effects on infant health and alert its members, other organizations and parents of its findings."
Found your post over at Lee's. Just have to say that the best thing you said about BabyWise is that the authors encourage incredible attentiveness to the ever changing needs of the child. BW critics grossly overlook this key element. I believe the horror stories of malnutrion and dehydration occur because of rule-following to the tune of neglect.
Parent directed schedules are a guideline, a routine, a structure. I love your thoughts and after using BW in some form and adjusted fashion for all four of our kids - I have nothing but good things to say about it. Difficult at times- yes. But worth it and produced healthy happy sleepers. With each one I learned a little more about stretching the rules and becoming more confident that they would "slip back" into their routine. And more importantly, babies that come later on need to adapt to a family schedule that doesn't always revolve around 3 hour naps and 7:30 bedtimes. BW worked brilliantly for this as well. And that is the point right?- to mesh with the parents directing.
Great post. Thanks for sharing. I'd love to send some your way who are contemplating using this method. It seems fresher on your mind than mine :) .
Well, since you asked... =) As you probably already know, I'm one of those people who hates Babywise. I'll try to keep this short and stick to the main points: Much of the sleep advice is decent other than the recommendation to have young infants CIO, something that other sleep experts like Ferber and Weissbluth don't even recommend. I think most of the sleep successes are due to teaching the baby to go down awake and regular naps keep them from being overtired. This isn't unique to BW, and it's definitely possible to implement similar strategies in a way that isn't so rigid for babies. I don't think the sleep thing has anything to do with the feeding thing, but most parents have success with the sleep thing so they assume it's the feeding schedule that's to thank, so they keep with it.
However, one of my biggest problems is the attitude of the authors (and many of the followers of the book!) in the way that they set-up the expectations of parents for what your baby "should" be doing. The AAP says that most babies will sleep 5-6 straight hours by six months old, and other sleep experts who actually study the physiology of sleep will say the same thing (Weissbluth from Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child says that some babies need to eat up to twice a night until nine months old.) But if you're doing BW or around many BW moms, many of them will make you feel like a failure because your baby isn't conforming to the program by sleeping 12 hours at 3-4 months even if he's doing what non-BW experts say is completely normal. (like actually being hungry in the middle of the night) I had these BW expectations when Evelyne was a baby and it really set me up for resenting her and feeling like something was wrong with her when it really wasn't. For many babies, those expectations simply aren't reasonable.
My main problem with BW is the feeding schedule. It's not that big of a deal for a bottle-fed baby, but it shows a massive misunderstanding of the physiology of breastfeeding and has the potential to be dangerous to babies. (that's why the AAP warns against using BW) It's not an issue of parents taking it too far or not using common sense, it's when they actually take the author's words as seriously as he intends them that problems can arise. Nursing every three hours is only 8 times a day, the very minimum recommended by the AAP for a young baby (8-12 feedings a day). Of course BW says to feed your baby if he seems hungry before this, but they make it sound like it's the exception rather than the rule, that occasionally they may be hungry earlier, but not generally, and you should be working to get them back on every three hours. I recommend breastfeeding moms spend some time on www.kellymom.com (http://www.kellymom.com/bf/supply/milkproduction.html) reading about how breastfeeding actually works in the body. Breastmilk is fully digested in 90 minutes. So if you're on a three-hour schedule, your baby is going to bed on an empty tummy, so it's perfectly reasonable for him to be hungry again before a nap or before a full hour and a half is up. The more often your nurse, the more milk you have and every three hours is often not enough to maintain a good supply. I know Harris would dry-up and blow away if I tried to make him wait three hours! =) Every mom has a different storage capacity in their breasts, and every baby has a different tummy size. If your storage capacity was 4 oz. and mine was 2 oz. and we both nursed our babies 8 times a day, yours would get 32 oz. and mine would get 16 oz. Yours would thrive, mine would not be gaining weight and possibly failing to thrive. That's one reason why this works for some people and not for others, and while that's fine, it's the author's militance on the feeding schedule that bugs me and letting the parents direct it rather than the baby that leads unknowing moms to stretch-out feedings when they shouldn't, leading to an even lower supply. (At the three-hour mark, your body starts making a hormone to slow milk production because it isn't being removed frequently enough.) It's also really common for moms to lose their supply around 4-5 months because that's when you're supposed to be feeding them 4 times a day, yet it's also when babies have a growth spurt and need being fed more frequently (frequency stimulates supply, not length of feeding) as well as your supply is less regulated by prolactin levels and more by demand. If the demand isn't there, your supply drops, and the baby stops gaining weight. Basically, when it comes down to it, I don't believe breastfeeding by a clock is the way God intended. Women have been nursing for thousands of years without a clock, they simply feed their baby when he's hungry, and it actually works pretty well. When you start going on when the parent wants the baby to eat and not when the baby actually needs to eat, you run the risk of really screwing-up the way breastfeeding is designed to function.
I'm a relatively scheduled sleep kinda mom, especially for an older baby, but I nurse my baby any time he wants it. I really don't think the two are related, and I wish more BW moms knew that you can have a rested baby who naps and still feed anytime the baby wants it. (Of course I'm really referring to breastfeeding, that's the only type of feeding that requires a regular demand to maintain supply. Solids are another story, but I tend to just feed Evelyne whenever she wants food, unless it's right before a meal or something. From everything I've read from nutritionists and pediatricians, letting your child eat when he's hungry and stop when he's full is a good way to teach him to listen to his body cues and have a healthy relationship with food as an adult.)
Sorry this is so long, really I could write a book on my relationship with BW. And I also must say that I've noticed there are some moms who say they do BW and then there are others who actually DO BW. To have a loose routine and pattern to your day is great, most people do that (contrary to the author's claims, feeding on demand doesn't result in chaos and stress), but many moms who do that and say they're doing BW aren't really doing BW b/c they're not actually taking it as seriously as Ezzo intends to be taken. It's the actual strict program implementation that I have a problem with.
Oh, and I also thoroughly disagree with his entire approach to discipline and some of the things he teaches for toddlers. Much of it is completely age-inappropriate, and theologically I think it's a complete misinterpretation of Scripture and the way God intends us to discipline and raise our kids. (Again, I'm not saying you, Laurin, just the things I've read in Toddlerwise and Babywise II, etc...) I think it's a pretty legalistic approach to parenting that is more about behavior modification and appearances rather than modeling the grace of Jesus. (And raising kids who glorify Him, as you mentioned.)
Oh yeah, and the author has zero qualifications for writing a book on infant feeding. He and his wife have also been disciplined out of two churches they were in and have much controversy surrounding their integrity. For that reason alone I wouldn't trust them enough to use their methods. That and the AAP warning.
Again, Laurin, this isn't to bash your parenting, I think you sound like a fantastic parent!!! I'm really speaking against the book, the author, and the program, not the particular way you might choose to implement pieces that might work for you. Sorry this is so long, this is just a subject that I feel strongly about, even though I try to avoid talking about it b/c I don't want to alienate friends who do BW. (because again, it's not the individual implementation that's always a problem, it's the method and the way we're TOLD to implement it.)
There's a LOT on the Internet about people who have done BW and regretted it, I recommend people checking out www.ezzo.info and http://www.chewymom.com/ezzo-week/ . There's also a huge article Salon.com did on BW: http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/1998/08/cov_06feature.html
Sorry, Laurin, hope I don't sound rude in disagreeing with your assessment of the book! I'm sure much of our parenting practices look similar, I just don't use anything from the Ezzos as my philosophy behind it. But I would trust you with my kids any day of the week, you're a fabulous mom! =)
I love the comments...I'll try to respond thoroughly.
Katherine,the report you found sounds interesting, especially this part~"...has been associated with failure to thrive (FTT), poor milk supply failure, and involuntary early weaning...with reports of dehydration, slow growth and development..."~I will say that I had trouble with my milk supply and do wonder if it had, in part, due to the fact that I should have been nursing more frequently. It was always at the same time of day (late afternoon) with both girls...I did nurse S more frequently to get "it" going better and with A, I supplemented with formula (I had a hard time balancing the rigorous feeding schedule of a newborn and taking care of a 1-year old).
With that to say, thankfully, thus far I have not noticed the very severe results of slow growth and development with my children. I would also say that a parent who is seeing such extreme things as FFT, dehydration, and continues doing the same thing she is doing in re: to BW needs to go another route!
Emily~I appreciate your feedback! Just from the bit I have talked to you about breastfeeding, I consider you an authority on the matter = ). For those BW moms who make non-BW moms feel like a failure...well. Shame on them! That is not very wise of them is all I can say. Again, this is just one way of many to do things.
As I said above a.b., by about 5-6 months, I started having trouble with breastfeeding and I will say again, it may have been that my supply was low b/c the demand was low. Does that make sense? Neither of my babies ever stopped gaining weight though...and in fact were in the very highest percentiles as far as weight goes at that point.
I am curious to know what part of the books you consider to be legalistic? I would say they can definitely be interpreted as such just as any parenting style can be done if one is not careful. NOT at all saying you have this attitude, Emily, but...for example, some women are very legalistic in their thinking about breastfeeding and that it is simply the only way. Yes, I think it is the best way but definitely do not think women who nurse should make women who don't nurse feel like a failure.
I did skim those websites... on, www.ezzo.info I found it interesting a/b the Biblical and Theological issues of the philosphy...
what it said: tendency toward legalism (even while advising parents not to be legalistic).
what I think: as stated earlier, one must carefully guard against every form of parenting being legalistic.
what it said: use of prooftexting and scripture twisting to give weight and urgency to the ideas presented
what i think: thank goodness I have a Bible and the Lord speaks to me. I do not let Ezzo determine how i interpret Scripture though he does not use a lot in the baby wise books...i think he uses more in the curriculum written for the churches.
what it said: confusion between biblical principle and application, sometimes presenting the Ezzos' favored application as the actual biblical principle, making it a moral standard
what i think: again, I can read my own Bible and I have my Lord.
what it said: emphasis on the moralism of good behavior -- often as defined by Western etiquette -- rather than hearts turned toward Jesus
what I think: i want my girls' hearts turned towards Jesus! i will admit: i struggle with images and the image my children give in their behavior...doing BW or not doing it would not disengage my struggle in this. So i turn MY heart towards the Lord...and praying that my girls hearts will the Lords' too one day.
what it said: Portrayal of other parenting approaches as unbiblical by mischaracterizing the beliefs and results
what I think: well, get a grip, people! you are a fool if you think this.
what type of church discipline have the Ezzos undergone?
and...a pediatrician did co-write these books with Ezzo. Though, that is not enough to make me a believer of course. Just wanted to throw that in there. I will honestly say I don't have much faith in doctors...just like I don't trust my dr. to determine, for example, whether or not my child is showing signs autism in the 20 minute doctor's visit, I don't trust everything I read and take it with a grain of salt in that Aaron and I think over and pray over the how tos of parenting instead of reading and believing.
One more thought: I would say that those parents that you know are BW followers are the ones that take it to the extreme. Just an "in general" statement.
okay. i like to clarify myself too much to write controversial posts...when I said the thing a/b my kids being in the high percentile of weight while was implementing BW (I was, at that point, breast-feeding), I just have to say that I really think that weight is more a think of the genes rather than "making" your kid a thriving eater.
Laurin,
I think I'm right there with you on BW. I think it has some great principles for teaching a new mom who doesn't have a clue how to get her baby on a schedule. We are not highly organized and scheduled (like you), and we kind of fly by the seat of our pants in a lot of ways, but that only made it work even better for us. We wouldn't have been able to function with kids that didn't sleep, because we like to sleep too much. That being said, I do believe that every baby is different and it does not always work for every child; the prinicples, however, are something that everyone can work with and adapt to their own needs. As for breastfeeding, I too, had difficulty around 5 months or so, but I think it had nothing to do with BW; it had to do with my own selfishness! The one thing I learned about myself from breastfeeding is how totally selfless an act it is...and I therefore learned how selfish I am. It was just way too easy to mix up a bottle and not worry about how much they were getting, be able to leave them with someone else, etc. All that to say, I like BW and I think that you can take what you need from it and discard the rest. That's my two cents!
Missy
Yes, Missy, most definitely...take what you want, discard the rest. And good thoughts on selfishness and breastfeeding. I think I selfishly stopped breast-feeding Aubrey.
haha! what a discussion. i have never read babywise, so i have zero authority to critique or applaud it. i think babies who don't sleep are just plain unhappy, so i definitely think that working toward a sleeping schedule that works for your baby is an excellent priority! that sounds like the book definitely advocates that. the only thing that has kept me from reading bw is the fact that so many first time moms i have known who have read it have ended up unbelievably frustrated and unhappy, and from the comments, it's probably b/c they treated it like the Bible of baby raising instead of just picking and choosing concepts that work with your particular child. anyway, definitely a fun conversation!
Laurin, I completely agree with everything you said about having your own instincts and discernment in reading and implementing BW. Of course we should all pray and seek God in anything we learn from someone. That's why many moms who "do BW" aren't actually following it to a T because they change it up and suit it to their needs. (feed baby earlier than 3 hours because baby is hungry) However, changing-up the program is supposed to be an exception to the standard, not the standard. If what you're doing isn't working, the authors tell you it's because you need to follow the program more closely. So yeah, it's fine when moms use their best judgement and it change it up for their family, but it was designed to be followed closely, and that's what I have a problem with. Of course there's things in the book that make sense and might be helpful, but they are things that aren't original or unique to BW and I'd rather just take advice from someone who doesn't dispense the good along with some pretty bad and then credit the whole system when the good works, ya know? Any sleep book will tell you about how to have a good nap schedule and bedtime, avoid overtiredness, etc... without turning it into a moral or control issue.
When I was referring to legalism, I was mainly thinking of their stuff for older kids when they get into discipline. And of course everyone should read their Bibles, etc.. and come to their own choices about things like that, but he's still presenting a certain approach to raising children that he is claiming is "God's Truth", and I disagree with his entire paradigm.
I certainly agree with you that we shouldn't be legalistic about something like breastfeeding, I mean, it's great, but it's an individual choice. (Harris is 8 weeks and I'm already kinda over it!) =) I just get frustrated that Ezzo is dispensing breastfeeding advice that, medically speaking, is just plain wrong. He gives wrong information about how a woman's body works and how often and long a baby should nurse, and he paints an unrealistic picture of anyone who does things differently. Again, there's nothing wrong with a loose routine, but breastfeeding was simply not designed (physically speaking) to be regulated by a clock or with feedings that far apart at such a young age. Who knows what was happening with your supply at five months, but it's definitely much higher in the morning and lower in the late afternoon/evening naturally, so it makes sense that a baby might need to nurse more frequently at those times to make-up for a smaller quantity. Bottlefeeders get the same amounts with the same calories over equal times a day, but a woman's body just doesn't work that way. Of course you're a smart mom and knew what your babies needed and they continued to grow. =) I think that supply dip/growth spurt also leads some people to early solids since the baby is legitimately hungrier. No big deal if you're cool with wanting to give them solids, but it doesn't have to be necessary b/c more frequent nursing would increase the supply that would sustain them as they grow. (babies don't actually "need" food their entire first year, breastmilk is enough as long as they're getting the right amount.) So yeah, it's not that I have a problem with parents' choices to supplement or start solids or anything like that, there's nothing wrong with that. It's just that they're receiving bad medical advice that's leading them to those unnecessary conclusions, and it frustrates me as a parent when I'm not given the full story in order to make an informed decision, ya know? That's why it makes me sad when so many moms stop nursing because their supply was too low and they thought the problem was them but really the problem was the schedule. If they want to stop, then great, I love formula! =) But if they didn't want to stop but thought they had to, then that's just sad to me. And the people that give bad advice to cause situations like that frustrate me. So although I love breastfeeding, I'm more "pro-choice" I guess, I just want parents to have all the correct information possible so that we can make informed decisions, and BW doesn't do that.
Anyway, I'll stop commenting now since I've already written two books. =)
i think it's a great discussion and on the practical end, i think the breastfeeding issues make a good case against BW. at this point, all the BW people I know eventually switched to formula. and many of them (not all) admitted it was due to lowered milk supply. so i'm wondering if stretching out feedings lessened the supply since the demand was not met as often. don't know if there is direct link there, but it's an interesting point. philosophical issues could be raised left and right and i think in the end, we do what we believe is best for our child. for some, BW seems best based on this or that philosophy. for others, a different approach is best, based on another philosophy.
i think my biggest issue was with the crying it out aspect of BW. it really went against my instincts to leave my baby wailing for longer than a few minutes, especially in the first couple of months. also, my baby always seemed to quiet down once he was fed. In my gut, I just believed he was hungry because it seemed like that was the only time he cried with such intensity. He ate every 2 hours til he was almost 3 months. Then he ate basically every 3 hours until almost 6 months, though there were times he'd go 3.5 or 4. And it's only been since 7 months that I've been able to expect a night where he'll go from 7-5 or 7-6. It was also around 7 months that he started solid food in addition to breastmilk. So it confirmed my suspicions--maybe he really was hungry. Now that his belly can stay full longer, he sleeps longer. So here we are almost to the ninth month. I guess we'll see.
anyway, i don't know think there is a right or wrong (obviously scripture only gives principles and paradigms and there is no mention of the Ezzos in the Word.), but i do think that if the primary motivation for doing BW is convenience and if the motives are (possibly) selfishly grounded then....well, i guess i take issue with that because it starts us off on the wrong foot. (I'm pretty sure BW would argue that teaching your baby to fall asleep on his own is healthy and good for the baby so it's not just about parental convenience.) Marriage was a big step to rid us of "me first" paradigms. Parenting is another step that keeps revealing the importance of serving others.
ps--i haven't read the last couple of comments so it's possible that i've said something they already said...
ps i think it's important to note that the book On Becoming Baby Wise is distinct (and less legalistic) than its religious version: Growing Kids God's Way. I believe the BW book is stripped of some of the moral slants that GKGW puts forth. this discussion could get tangled if we are using the same language to describe 2 different versions of the book.
"...who doesn't dispense the good along with some pretty bad and then credit the whole system when the good works, ya know..."
nicely said, emily. i definitely see what you are saying and agree.
Yes, definitely, Lee. I have never read GKGW and base my knowledge of BW on the actual books. I have glimpsed at GKGW and will say that, at my very quick look, it had a lot more rules which really overwhelmed me. Again, did not look at it thoroughly by any means.
Good point also:"...but i do think that if the primary motivation for doing BW is convenience and if the motives are (possibly) selfishly grounded...well, i guess i take issue with that because it starts us off on the wrong foot." One must ask herself: Why am I endorsing the sleep methods with our child? etc. etc. Again, engage yourself in the why behind the what constantly.
Great post! I love Baby Wise. I came to your post from Lee's also. I commented on hers & said I was a BW momma through & through. Well I follow most of it. With my twins I was determined to have schedule. I was on the minute when it came down to when to eat. We were by no means neglecting the girls. I was just trying to figure out how to parent twins. I nursed them, but not for long. It was just to hard. Now with my newest baby I am still nursing and she is 10 & 1/2 months old. I'm trying to start weening her b/c I have a trip shortly after she turns 1. So I've had no supply problem. She for the most part has lined up with what the book says. The only thing that she does differently is she has struggled with dropping her late evening nap. She was sleeping through the night very early and lengthened her night time sleep to 12 hours by prob. 8 or 9 weeks. She took a little longer to get her daytime naps down, but has basically done well with those since about 3 mon. The most important thing that BW taught me was in the very beginning to make sure your baby is getting a full feeding. They fall asleep so easily when they're tiny. We would strip them down to make sure they were awake and eating. With that they wouldn't decide in a short time that they were hungry again. Anyways I'm glad Lee said something about your blog. Now I can keep up with y'all too!
Dang, look at these comments... That is some discussion going on there. People are pretty passionate about it. Since coming to live overseas I see things from such a different perspective now. I will say BW is very American! No one in Asia is practicing these principles. If it works for you do it. If not don't. But don't think it is the only way. Half the world has no idea about time feedings. Mothers just trust those God given instincts. I only have experience living overseas and mothering... My personal opinion I hate it. Totally just stressed me out and I was starving my child. You are way more organized than me and I can totally see it working for you. It is just not me at all.
i think that is an excellent point, kacie. i've always wondered how other cultures would view a more scheduled approach to a baby's feeding and sleeping habits. Americans (in many ways) appear to be more pragmatic on the whole....concentrating on ends and functionality.
Wow! Lots of discussion! Very interesting points to ponder.
I know I'm kind of late to this game, but I SURELY have some thoughts on ole Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo. When I found out I was pregnant with Harper, I was terrified! I couldn't believe that we were going to be parents already! I also knew that we needed a game plan so that my husband and I were on the same page. That page would be for eat/wake/sleep scheduling, parenting in general, and a game plan to keep our marriage healthy. The Ezzos gave us this game plan!
We have an AMAZING couple at our church who teaches the Growing Kids God's Way curriculum. There are several different "levels" (newborn, baby, toddler, kid, teen, etc.) and we have taken the classes up to the 10-year-old level. The Ezzos have amazing Bibilical applications for making the husband/wife relationship the priority and the child relationship an addition to that. They have amazing thoughts on creating "moral storehouses" for your children to glean from when they are faced with moral dilemmas (even at early ages). They have amazing thoughts on why child-centered parenting is detrimental to your kids. I teach 6th graders- I could probably make a list of the "child-centered" families!
Now, if I read every word of GKGW and took it as the Bible of Parenting, I would be 1- an idiot, 2- not doing what the book intends, and 3- legalistic to the extreme. I am probably one of your more liberal, laid back, and non-traditional readers, so please know the context here. These books are (as ALL parenting books are) just GUIDES. No "theory" will work perfectly for every child in the world. No game plan is a perfect fit for every family just like no clothes at the Gap are a perfect fit for every woman in the world.
I totally support the Ezzos and GKGW and I have two AMAZING girls who are living proof. Harper (2.5) and Reese (11 mo.) both sleep (for 12 hours) through the night (and did so early on), eat well, are growing and developing, and are learning how to be moral human beings. The Ezzo's "game plan" is the ONLY way that is possible for us. I work, I volunteer with Young Life, and I have 2 kids (3 in July!). Without the Ezzos, I would be FLOUNDERING!
Phew, that was WAY longer than I had anticipated. I just wanted to throw my support out there! Thanks for sparking the discussion!
SBG
oops, i need to correct something i said: i believe "preparation for parenting" was the ezzo book that had to be "secularized" into the Baby Wise version for mainstream bookstores. the growing kids god's way is an Ezzo book, but it's not the alternate version of baby wise...if i'm not mistaken.
i agree that marriage is the paramount relationship in the family. many couples hardly know each other by the time their kids go off to college. we didn't do the BW thing, but we do function under the belief that marriage is for a lifetime and parenting is not. i appreciate that Baby Wise encourages marriage-centered families. i don't think non-BW people are necessarily prone to letting the child rule the roost (though being a parent involves a lot of sacrifice, i believe). again, i keep wondering to myself about what people did before this book existed. it's very current (relatively speaking) and i imagine that 100 years ago (or 1000) there were many other healthy ways to go about things that might not fall under the BW model. perhaps baby ezzo's mother regrets that she didn't have access to the book.=)
Sarah brings up an excellent point a/b BW that really helped us~making the husband/wife relationship a priority and the child relationship an addition to that. Aaron and I really have to focus on doing that b.c. we seem more prone to "stew" over our children. When reading BW the first time around, it was as if a light came on in our heads and hearts concerning priority in marriage over letting your child rule the roost, as lee put it.
Wow, I'm a little late on the comments, but I wanted to put in my two cents too.
I followed BW with #1. She was a terrific sleeper, and followed the book as far as eating and sleeping. I thought BW was amazing and if people just followed it, they too could have happy, scheduled babies. We began having some mild sleep problems about 6 months, and my milk supply began dwindling. By 10 months, I had to supplement with formula during the day. I continued breastfeeding until she was 14 months old, but she wasn't getting a whole lot of milk from me.
Next came baby #2. Despite my best efforts, I could not get him on the BW schedule. He was hungry every 90 minutes, wanted to be attached to my breast at all times, was (and is) a terrible sleeper. He was also a big baby who grew pretty fast. After two months of stressful attempts to get him on the BW schedule, I gave up and finally began getting some much needed sleep. He's 11 months old and still doesn't sleep through the night, but I've learned to deal with it by co-sleeping most of the time. (Part of that problem is that we live in a tiny 2 bedroom house--he wakes up his big sister if he's in her room, and he's outgrown the bassinet. Only other option is in bed with us.) My milk supply has never diminished, even though I pump three times a day while I'm at work. I credit the night feedings for that. He occasionally nurses for comfort, and that works for us. It will be easier to wean him when the time comes than it is taking the pacifier away from my 3 year old daughter. God created mothers to be able to comfort their babies by nursing, and there's nothing wrong with doing that. BW, on the other hand, looks down on comfort nursing and promotes the idea that nursing is just for nutrition. Nursing moms know that nursing is so much more than just transferring some calories to your baby.
In conclusion, I think BW may be a great guideline for formula fed babies. I think that it can be useful for breastfeeding mothers to learn some scheduling information, but much of what it advocates actually makes breastfeeding difficult and can cause milk supply to dwindle. Thus, if you do want to breastfeed for a long time, don't rely on BW for your breastfeeding info. Like Emily said, Kellymom.com is a great resource for that.
I might also add that the reason baby #2 still isn't sleeping through the night is largely do to daycare and not anything related to stopping to follow babywise. He started daycare at 6 weeks old and pretty much refused to take a bottle. He would drink a total of about 3 ounces from 8am to 5pm, so he was very hungry at night. He only wanted to nurse, and he wanted to nurse all night. He actually needed to eat, so I didn't know what to do other than feed him. I just about died from exhaustion, and after falling asleep multiple times while feeding him (and having him roll out of my lap, and hitting my head on various surfaces), I decided to nurse laying down and give cosleeping a shot. I finally got some rest. I was staunchly against it, but extreme exhaustion changed my mind. I sometimes start him out in his own bed, and I'll then put him in my bed when he wakes up for his first feeding. It works for us, and we're much happier.
Leave a Reply