Raising girls Feb 01
What is purity? Really. And, how do we train our little girls to strive for it?
I heard a story the other night and it went something like this....
Two Christian families. One family is a very familiar one to any household, believer and non. (I won't reveal the names just because I did not hear the story from the actual people, so obviously details are are not perfect.) It's about their children. The daughter from the E. family went on several mission trips where the son from the T. family was a leader of the trip. The daughter was still in high school. After a few years, she reached college-age. The son of the T. family approached her and said something like...."I have loved you for three years but could not pursue you because of the age difference. I want to pursue you now with the intention of marrying you...."
Wow.
That was my response. You don't hear stories very often like that, do you?
One of the girls that I was talking to (Hah! Is it funny that I still refer to peers my age as girls? Well. Actually this particular girl is still in her mid-twenties, so I guess she is more of a girl than I am...I'm sidetracking.) posed this question: How do we get our daughters to wait for someone like that?
Now, I know. It's not going to happen just like the above story. But I will say that it is a pretty neat way (set aside the bit of creepiness it may cause at first) to approaching the persual of someone.
Now I'm not saying dating is wrong.
I am saying that purity is what I long for my girls to pursue and to wait for. I would also say that I want to teach them that there is not a reason to date a guy unless you know that you would marry that guy. Can 15/16 year-olds really know if they want to marry somone? Sure, given their spiritual and emotional maturity...I know many couples who were high school sweethearts who went on to marrying one another. I'm also not saying that lack of dating or dating equals or does not equal purity.
I know I can pray for my girls.
I know that I can speak Truth into their lives from the Word.
I know that I can teach and show them what is means to be modest, and not just in dress. Though Savannah is already noticing lack of clothing on people (a tube top, strapless dress, etc.)
Are there other ways we can teach our girls purity? I'd love to know your thoughts...your strivings to do so.
Last thought: The girls and I just watched a princess movie today. Not that I'm knocking them (because obviously I just watched one today with my 1 and 2 year old daughters), but here's something very real about princess movies~they teach our little girls that Prince Charming will one day sweep them off their feet and they'll ride into the sunset. Now. My Prince Charming did, in fact, sweep me off my feet (and is still sweeping me) and we did, in fact, ride off into the sunset and have enjoyed many a sunsets over the past almost 8 years of marriage, but let us not forget that the Lord uses marriage as one of the primary ways to sanctify us. May we teach our little girls that too.
Okay. So I feel like I have gone off on quite a tangent here. Just a reminder of the inital question...
How are you teaching your little girls what purity means?
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Check out "five conversations you must have with your daughter" by Vicki Courtney. Her whole ministry is built around encouraging teenagers and young people to purity. Her book is very biblically based as well as being practical and realistic. I highly highly recommend it. She has a great blog as well which I can't remember the name of but should be easy to google for.
Laurin, what an important post! This is quite possibly my favorite post of yours...and yes, I have pretty much gone back and read ALL of yours! I think it's wise and wonderful that even though S & A are only 1 and 2, you have this on the forefront of your mind. They may be young, but as you said, even those little eyes see...they notice...they question...they absorb. I can't even imagine how much more "media-ized", "Cosmo-d" and "technologied-out" teen girls will be by the year 2020. Honestly it's a bit frightening to me, and Matt & I said we'd be happy with all boys;) (Ok, now I am going off on a tangent!) The point is, purity is never an issue that parents can instill "too early". Little girls need to know who God says they are, what that truly means, and what He says to wait for. Little girls need wise mommies and loving, available daddies...parents that are godly, prayer & scripture-filled parents, not "friends." I am not a mother (yet), and do not know first-hand the privilege, responsibility, and challenge(s) that comes with that gift in raising a precious daughter of the King... I do know AS a daughter of the King that the world does not applaud it. Churches do not always teach/enforce it. Men aren't necessarily aware of it. And Satan has a hayday with it.("It" being purity and Christ's plan/design for His daughters' hearts) All this to say, WOO HOO for wise, Christ-centered mommies like you and the truth that He has given you to share!!! You are helping carry out Titus 2:3-5..."Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God."
P.S I don't think I answered your question, ha! Hopefully all this made sense;)
Hm. I've thought about this, but not necessarily in a "ok, what's my game plan?" kind of way. What comes to my mind is that first of all, I want to be open and share with my kids my experiences and what I learned through dating and marriage. I dated way too many guys and though my intentions were always good, I got sucked-in by the attention and hurt by our immaturity. I want to share with them where I went wrong and the things I did right. Clay and I also want to be a very present part of our kids' lives as they get older, to know their friends and where they're spending their time, etc... I want to establish a sense of trust and security starting now that will hopefully allow her to feel comfortable in talking to me when she's older... My mom did a great job with me, but I still didn't tell her everything I struggled with or the things I failed in because I was afraid of what she would think of me and I wanted to please her. And when I did, she didn't really know what to do with it. I want to have the kind of relationship with my kids that isn't built on their behavior pleasing me so that they won't be afraid to come tell me those hard things when they're older. If I would've had my mom walking through those situations alongside me, it would've made a difference.
I think the best thing we can do is to nurture their relationship with Jesus and let Him guide them in their decision-making. And the course He has set out for their life in this particular area might look like the story you mentioned, or it might look like one of brokenness. I think we have a big responsibility as parents to teach and guide and set boundaries, but in the end it's up to the guidance of the Spirit in their hearts that will determine what path they follow. And really, He can use any and every path to lead to Him, and as hard as it will be (really, I can't imagine!), I think it's important that we give them the freedom and grace to make their own decision and make mistakes. I pray that my children (boys included! I'm almost more worried for Harris!) choose a path of sexual purity, but I'm also confident that God will use ALL of their experiences to lead them to Him. And I want to raise them with a deep confidence in God's grace, that any wise decisions they make are by His grace and any mistakes they make are covered and transformed into growth and maturity. Struggling with my purity was probably THE most spiritually transformative experience I've ever had (before parenthood!) in a way that allowed me to come to know Him in a real way that I couldn't have otherwise. I hope my children walk a path of wisdom, but I also want our family to be secure and confident that life isn't perfect and people aren't perfect and no matter what we do when it comes to dating and sex, Jesus is the only one we find purity in.
Laurin- what a topic. Though I don't have girls of my own yet, I have our youth girls and boy are they boy crazy! To try and teach them about being Godly girls and waiting to one day be pursued by a Godly guy and not dating to just date is like teaching them chinese. They want that but they want it now.
Having been with D since I was 15 made made me realize... what were my parents thinking?! No way on earth will my 15 year old be dating! I'm not against dating, but at 15 there's no need in it.
I think the key to this is starting early. I truly believe its a spiritual issue. If they learn early the importance of their relationship with Christ and are daily being challenged and encouraged (by mom and dad) to dig deep they will soon find their satisfaction in Christ. They will find what it means to be a woman, to be beautiful, to be loved all in Christ alone. They'll see that they don't need a boy to reassure them of this.
Begin now teaching them how beautiful and special they are. That God has created them for a special purpose and desires a relationship with them. Model this for them. Show them what prayer looks like, what a quiet time looks like, what a godly relationship with your husband looks like. Even now they are soaking it all up.
So... begin now explaining about appropriate dress and why we don't wear certain things, why only boys should date girls, why husbands and wives need to serve one another.... of course in terms that little bits understand :) but don't wait for opportunities when you think they'll better understand... start now. So it will make your life and the lives of their youth leaders much more enjoyable. :)
Such superb thoughts, girls!
Jessica~Thanks for the recommendation.
Kim~Your words are very encouraging to me! Amen~we are daughters of a King! He is enthralled with our beauty. To teach our girls to honor Him for He is Lord is our endeavor (Ps. 45). One more thing~I'm all for boys but you've got to give my girls a little girl cousin to play with!!! ; )
Emily~Love your thoughts: being very present in our childrens' lives!!! Oh, that it would be so! Jesus is our purity!
Candace~I think you hit on a HUGE part of training in purity: Satisfaction. It was a deep lack of satisfaction in my own life that the Lord brought me to my knees in repentance and surrender to Him. Though I still struggle with satisfaction (though it looks different as an almost 30-year old wife and mom versus being a 16-year old teenager), the Lord has greatly and graciously taught me (and is teaching me) that we are full in Jesus. Period. It is finished. Nothing and No one satisfies us the way that Jesus longs to and died to and rose again to do. That poor girl who walks into a marriage believing that her husband will bring fullness to her...more than that, that poor husband who cannot do what only Jesus can do. Those precious teenagers are blessed to have you as an example!
Blessings, my dear blog readers! May purity reign in our hearts that we may see Jesus and that our children will, in turn, see Him.
I participated in the "5 Conversations to Have With You Daughter" bible study at our church. I took it to gain wisdom on ways to minister to girls in our ministry (especially ones who are not receiving godly wisdom from their mothers) and because you never know if God may give me a daughter someday. I learned so much through talking to other moms about this and just praying/meditating over what we are responsible for teaching. I agree with what has been said about teaching girls as early as possible, however I think what may be even more important is looking at our own heart issues to make sure that our girls are learning from us even when words aren't being spoken. If we have a low self-esteem, our girls will learn that behavior.
One thing I took from this class that I didn't expect was how it made me look at parenting my son. It is so important that I am not downplaying the importance of these conversations with him. He will deal with the same issues (though it will more then likely be on a smaller scale) and I also need to be teaching him how to honor and respect these girls of integrity that you are raising.
A big topic, for sure. I just wanted to say that I don't at all think this issue is gender specific. Boys will face some very real sexual issues and in a way it can be almost more troubling since they may be less willing to talk to anyone about it. I would even say the issue of modesty applies to boys. I don't think the dude who's sprawled out on the Abercrombie and Fitch poster right at the front of the store is helping matters.
A boy's heart can just as easily stray and be vulnerable to the endless temptations that will inevitably face him and even to the pressure to live up to an image (like the one at Abercrombie). May God protect and nourish the eyes, heart, and souls of our little boys so they will grow up to be pure men. I pray that dads in particular will know what it is to invest in their sons and build a trust and a relationship so the son will have a strong arm to lean on.
Just wanted to say I really appreciate all the comments on here...as the mom of a young girl, it is never too early to start thinking about the future of her precious heart. I am just like you Laurin---I want her to wait for God's best but I don't know how to instill that desire in her. I am going to purchase that book by Vicki Courtney because of these recommendations. Thanks for bringing this important topic to the forefront of our thoughts!
PS...I went to Gigi's cupcakes a couple weeks ago and WOW is all I can say. I'm glad I don't live as close as you do. :c)
PPS...really hope we have the chance to see Mrs. Manning on Sunday!!! :c)
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